blah

wow. two major shifts in one day.
first off i have decided i am not going back to the Philippines in the summer. i really want to ... like REALLY. i just dont see it happening. and not in a "god cant provide" kind of way but more in a fiscally and relationally irresponsible way. I would do an internship for a month there and then come back here and join with another ministry with preestablished relationships and projects in process? i don't think that would be responsible which sucks. i really wanted to.
the other major shift would be one of personal. Someone very close to me has decided to remove their pledge of purity. they had sex over summer and didnt want to any more. God had given me a purity ring and i felt him calling me to give it to them. i did, and they were joyed to have it. I recently was just given the purity ring back. their reason "they wanted to have sex" so they did. first i am confused. i thought they didn't want to . second, i am disappointed and sad because i am aware of the future of the path they are going down and its only destructive. this makes me want to shake them. and the only response they can give me is that " they don't want to talk about it, its personal" i understand that. but they wont even say that they are having sex. i just feel that's shameful and a denial of the guilt you feel inside. if you are going to pursue a destructive path at least own up to it. say 'yes, i am having sex'. simple right? and Thirdly, i am pissed. I am pissed at the events in their past that have lead to this. i am pissed at the hold that relationships and the needs for approval that they require from the opposite sex. i am pissed that the devil is having a hold on their life,m which is going to wreck their future; their amazing, world-changing future. so i am confused, disappointed, saddened, and pissed.

My Dream

I want to see lives be given hope, to see fire return to the eyes of those who have been labels as worthless and neglected, to see those who the world says are “wastes of oxygen” rise up and claim the birthright of heaven. I want to see cycles of poverty broken, and hearts mended. To see lives, relationship, and health restored, and made perfect. I want to see God glorified by the cries of the “insignificant, impoverished, inconsequential, inconsiderable, and irrelevant”, or so society labels them.
I want to see a generation take a stand for the ultimate truth that is God-creator and Jesus Christ as lord and savior. To see people step out in unselfish love and offer forgiveness when it is not deserved or earned. To see men and women kneeling at the foot of the cross, offering up their all and all, living lives of sacrifice and joy.
On a more specific and personal scale, I want to see that the people that God has placed in my life rise up to be the amazing, gifted, impactful, blessed, and unique men and woman that I know God has destined them to be. I want to see that God used me to make an impact on at least one person’s life, whether it is big or small. I want to know that I accomplished what God wanted. I know there are so many opportunities that I have missed and I want to know that there is a purpose for my life.
My dream would be to work in an impoverished country helping people, mainly women and children, to break the bonds of poverty and oppression. To be able to grasp the freeness that comes when a God is in control, and to be able to help them to see that God is good, and God is love, and that they are precious.

I am changing

I am changing.
it is scary.
it is amazing.
it is painful.
it is full of ranting.
it is full of laughter.
it is full of late nights with great friends.
it is marked by joy.
it is marked by reflection.
it is marked by being broken.
I am changing.

And i don't know if i can handle what i am changing into.
i would rather stay in my awkward bubble,
then voyage into the unknown that is my destiny.

I am changing.

ouch.

God mold me.
God call me.
God rejoice in me.

I am changing... i am changing for you.

The World changes in the second of a blink

I was having a good day... when i got that horrible call of all my family trying to get a hold of me. it was like 12:54pm and my dad was on his way to the E.R. with chest pain... i freaked out. by God's grace Katie was there and the prayer chapel was empty. but i froze... like couldn't think. I never really think of my dad as seriously old.. though he's technically 50... yeah. so do what i do best.. bottle it up and find something to do with my hands and mouth so that i dont have to think, talk, or respond to my situation, i become a machine. its scary though how good i have gotten at this... i just go on with life and ignore the circumstance... at times this could be helpful... but paired with this innate intense reaction to just shut down it proves to be quite detrimental to my health and welfare. During the next few 1/2 hours i am attached to my phone like no other.
SOO yeah. i distracted myself for a while since it was kinda pointless to go to the hospital and passed out dresses from the dress closet. i then borrowed bree's car..(i need to give her present for car usage).. and drove to the hospital. as i was driving samm calls but there's a cop so i hung up on her. WORST NIGHTMARE. i immediately call her back wonderin why she called and she tells me that dad is ok, and that they are going to get taco bell. I meet them there and get the story.
basically dad wasnt feeling good and then he got really blury eyes. HE went to the medical center and they sent him to hospital. they gave him asprin but they still needed to run a few tests.
Seeing my dad with all those wires attatched scared the crap out of me. I didnt let it show but i had never *really* thought about my dad dying till them... and he's is at risk. he's 50, a 2x smoker, stress up the wahzoo, and in a physical labor job...ahha. i dont know. he was still dad still joking/being serious about them letting him out for a cigerette before he killed someone, excited about getting to pee in a bottle and wanting my mom to take a picture, but i dont know... scary.
Then there was also the lady in the waiting room who was crying out in pain and all i wanted was to be Jesus and be able to comfort and heal her. it tore me apart to see her in pain as i was talking about God....
THEN i gave away my purity... ring. samm has been askign for one and she liked mine soo much.. i didnt want to let it go... but she needed it more than me... it just sucks because i really liked that ring and now my hand feels naked...
THEn I came back, zoned out to a horrible movie, was too lazy to more, helped a friend with homework, wrote the letter to my samaritan's purse child and uploaded pictures, and wrote this.
THE POINT BEING... I LOVE MY DAD.

The weirdest 3 nights: The final being the best.

So i have had the weirdest past three nights. Thursday night i was freaking out about a huge paper and awana's and the emergency dress closet and Twilight: New Moon's midnight showing. I had all these things i had to do and i kinda freaked out. i didnt get as far as having a panic attack but i was close. i ended up calling my sister about what to do, i tend to make decisions about my life in a group setting, and she told me to skip awana's because i had already paid for the ticket to new moon and i really couldn't not do my paper, or skip the dress closet... So i locked myself in my room (I HATE DOING HOMEWORK EMO STYLE LOCKED IN MY ROOM WITH NO SUN) and wrote my paper and got done just in time to leave with katie. New moon was great and i went to bed at 3 am.
Friday was crazy. i actually got up for my 8 o'clock class , VERY SURPRISING, and went to class and went to work and went to chapel and went to class and cleaned my room, and went to class and got ready for exposure. A very planned out day haha. Exposure i got ready and it was fun to be girly, considering the last simpson event my goal was to look like a man (a fact which i am not proud of that i did an excellent job looking like a man... stupid). I did my hair and my nails and make-up and i like being a girl. its fun to pamper one's self. I then met up with justin, i love my brother... OH OH. I met the girl i was hosting and she was REALLY cool. I got to take pictures for dana and i like camera's (p.s. anyone wants to get me a Christmas gift i need a memory card). the movies were great, we went to denny's until 3. i was in a weird mood. like really weird. i don't know if people noticed but i was soo ticked off at Simpson students. i know that we were waiting for like an hour (we knew if was going to be awhile) but everyone just sat themselves down and the waitress was frustrated and i was weird. i just felt weird. gah. i hate when i do that, i was anti-social and introspective and kept staring at people. God did provide me with food, due to my lack of money. Thanks Jesus.
Finally, Saturday. began at 1:00pm ish. Food. homework. Randomly watched how i met your mother. still weird mood. then food. then rant to megan about boys. then random trip to foodmax to get ice cream. then boy meets world.then up. hmmmm. so movies skew boundaries. when everyone is on the floor and you want everyone to be able to see so you scoot and then you break boundaries and then you dont realize if that was ok... GAG. boys. anyways then we played Ultimate ninja!! i like that game. i am kinda frustrated with how easy i am to be made fun of though. i know* people do care about me and that sometimes i do bring on the making funess on purpose but seriously. its called strategy. and i am very quick. matt wier says i have ninja skills (but i want pirate skills). Well the point of this ramble begin;s now.,..
God is amazing. after all teh chaos of the weekend at 1:30am in the morning a few of us began talking about God. the night could have multiple times gone downs roads of greater harm or ambiguity but no, GOd had plans and he wanted to see them happen. We talked about God, and healing, and Prophecy and the abuses of the church. It was funny because i just felt like i needed to operate in a more listening point of view. and when Prophecy was brought up i took a step back and kinda shivered and i was given a weird loook. Aub looked at me adn was like "are you ok, are you about to go off", but i didnt. i just wanted to see where it was going. i told her later that God wanted me to speak he would make me haha which he did a couple times. I feel my views about gifts changing and im not sure if its to the better or not. I seem to have the sketch gifts that are abused the most (prophesy, dream interpretation, intercessory) and therefore it makes me reluctant... yeah. it lead to an AMAZING time of prayer. simpson amazing. people left and a few of us prayed for someone and it was ... breath taking. i feel like God is calling me into something but i'm not sure, my quiet times have been so intense lately.. i dont know, please let it not be too tragic.
The point is.. i went from a night of twilight to denny's to Jesus. and i definitely LOVED the last night far over the others. end.

"Every day's the same. She fights to find her way. She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray. She wonders why, does anyone ever hear her when she cries. This is the dark before the dawn. The storm before the peace. Don't be afraid 'cause seasons change and God is watching over you. she'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries"

Frustration

GAH! i hate events that make you take a date!! (ps. this rant is not directed at any who already have dates. its not your fault i feel like this)

I have NEVER liked "date events" i honestly do not see the problem with going with a big group of mixed gender people to an event and everyone hanging out with everyone. At "Date Events" there seems to always be this pressure... especially if your date person is from "outside the group". Like i have not issue with bringing new people to events, its super fun and we should be inviting others to join with us in our endeavor. But when everyone is coupled off and is not acting like themselves because they are trying to impress the date... not cool.

I know that a lot of this stems from the fact that i am always the girl that doesnt get asked. if you know anything about me, you know i took my twin sister's then boyfriend/now husband to prom, and to the only dance with a date i took my lil' sister's bf. (he was my age). I just don't like the pressure put on by these things.

I am in a season of singleness. i know this. and i know that's the place where God wants me to be . the place where i am focusing on him for my image, and for my future. But seriously? come on... stupid simpson recommended date exposure night... GRR

Sugar Fast Confusion

So here I sit at 12:49am October 31, 2009 in my room alone. I have just completed a 30 day sugar fast (top 3 ingredients) and after a few bites of ketchup, and only 3 bites of a chocolate dirt thing I am feeling sick.

As some friends and I were on our way back from a party all I wanted was some fries and ketchup from in and out, I was sooo excited. As we begin to near our destination though I became hesitant. I felt like it was a violation of the fast even though the fast was over. My mind knew that the time was up, but my body was repelling the urges for processed sugar. I felt like I was betraying myself, giving in, relapsing.

As I am alone in my room, the few bits of chocolate ingested quite obviously to me working its way through my digestive track, I cant help thinking that I did something wrong, that I should be in trouble. It feels like those stories you here about virgins on their wedding night. Basically, they keep their purity so safe, so pure, and are so afraid of being defiled that they will freeze up on their wedding night, overcome with self-loathing. It’s kinda of the same deal with me. I built up this sugar fast, keeping my self-pure of sugar, and running away from the temptations of sugar; that upon the end point of what I had been working towards I froze. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, or how to think of myself.

SO now I rant.