So there's this boy...

yeah. that's how this post should start.
and from this first line i could go on rambling like a drunken fool about:
all the cute moments,
all the banter,
and all the elbow-cuddling... but i wont.

Instead i would like to share what this boy has done, unintentionally of course.

I have dated before. I know weird. it was only once and it ended badly.
I thought forever. He waited until his ex was available again.
Then he married her and now they have a kid.
I became very bitter. I mean very bitter.
I didn't know how God could allow me to make the choice to date him.
I look back and i KNEW God didn't want me to. He told me. actually told me "no".
But I ignored God, and that, is how the biggest mistakes/growing moments begin.

Where was i? oh yeah. Bitter. Really Bitter.
It was so weird. I had just been on a Everest with God,
and now i felt abandoned in the Dead Sea.
Sooo... i kinda hated men. there i said it.
I was told by close friends that when it came to men i had a huge "F*ck off" sign,
located right square in my forehead. with neon lights. and big arrows.

Since then i have had crushes. little ones. 3rd grader-type crushes.
the ones where you have the gooey feeling but never seriously entertain any ideas.
until recently.

This one is different. it FEELS different.
What i mean is that i have a peace, which is weird.

But thats not the point of this blog. if you want those details talk to me in person.
The point is... Jesus. isn't it always?

I hadn't realized until i started seriously considering actually dating this guy,
that i had quite a bit of baggage.
Not baggage of unforgiveness or anything like that,
But baggage of low self-esteem, and whether or not i was "Ready" or still too crazy.
So for once, i took it to God.

Side note of importance: I don't process things internally, so its really hard for me to take my issues to God because he's 'internal', you know? so basically i was "emo" for a few days just silently meditating on me. which is again, weird.

So i took a lot of quiet time, and journaling.
and Quiet time, and journaling.
and i realized the issue i was really dealing with wasn't if i should date.
it was ... [drum roll] if i was worthy to be dated.
Like, what is so special about me that anyone would want to get romantic.
I had never really looked at myself in that way, and i doubted if anyone could.

so one day, i had a break through; both internally and externally.
Internally: I just randomly started listing positive things about myself.
Like qualities in my that are awesome and amazing and unique.
I wasn't being prideful, i was accurately assessing myself.
It was really good, and i figured out i DO have a lot to offer.
Externally: I got 'Yelled' at by my little sister.
She just called me out, and spoke so hard truth, and encouragement.
She said that basically "its about time" haha. "We've been waiting".
And just encouraged me in my growth over the past few years and
How amazing i am/still becoming and that i need to lose the fear,
And take a chance...

Don't you despise it when wisdom comes from a really random place?

So i basically have decided that:
1. Jesus Loves me. actually loves me.
2. I do have something to offer someone. I am not "broken beyond usefulness"
3. I have grown SOOO much and i need to take that into account in my decisions.
4. I need to not be afraid of rejection. I have grown so much just in the last few
months and nothing can change that. Even if its not this guy, i need to be open
to the possibility of boys. and not hate them :)

SO there. no sappy stories, no late-night Simpson walks,
Just Jesus.
And the change He is making in me.

Oh Happy Day. Jesus washed my imperfections away.
Oh Happy Day. I'll Never be the same.

life is complicated

why is it that i .... gah.

life is complicated
i do so much that i know i probably shouldn't.
but im young.
i'm bound to make mistakes,
but does that mean that i have to have regrets?

life is complicated
i know i should have regrets.
and there are some things i wish i could have done different.
People i could have befriended,
times of being intentional.
but on the other hand,
those times created other relationships that i wouldnt trade...
seriously.

life is complicated.
live, learn, love, and
learn to love my life.

i've only been given one life,
and i hope to never have regrets.
i hope that i always see the bright side,
the silver lining,
the light at the end of that one tunnel.

life is complicated. so what?
its a ride.
live life.

arg.

this is a cry of frustration not that of a good-humored pirate.
i dont know i just randomly feel so alone.
but apparently every one feels like this.
why dont we talk about it then?
why dont we share in each others pains.
why am i feeling so weird because i acknowledge my short-comings
while others seek to cover theirs?
i dont know.
its just frustrating you know?

i want to be close to another.
i think thats why i wanna be attached.
like then someone knows you, or is trying to.
and you can have a sort of commitment of intention.
and you dont have to do this stupid guessing game.

i wish people could just come straight out with what they wanna say.
like if you dont wanna hang out with me say it.
if i am being really annoying, say it.
i would rather be corrected than offensive.
seriously.
but maybe thats another thing that i am weird about.

im ok being weird. i really am.
i just want to be understood to a certain level
like everbody else.

arg.

Faster, faster Won't You make this better

I felt the cold seeping through my door as she's walking by
We talked for hours talked about her choices wrong and right
She was so all alone the image in her mind was grey
A sorrow and a blade is all that she has left to say

Faster, faster
Won't You make this better (whoa)
Forgot the feeling screaming for You (whoa)
I can't believe the choices we make
Creates everything that we now hate
Faster, faster won't You make this better (whoa)

The numbness feels her bones she's fighting feeling dreading home
She can't break away from the lies she's been told she's been told (she's been told)
Remembering all her pain this time her lips were fast asleep
Suddenly she lifts her eyes up to the one who makes her breathe

Faster, faster
Won't You make this better (whoa)
Forgot the feeling screaming for You (whoa)
I can't believe the choices we make
Creates everything that we now hate
Faster, Faster won't You make this better (whoa)

I'm still crying at the top of my lungs the top my lungs
I'm still crying at the top of my lungs the top my lungs
I'm still crying at the top of my lungs the top my lungs
(Cast your cares cast your cares believe that He's still there)
I'm still crying at the top of my lungs the top my lungs
(Cast your cares cast your cares believe that He's still there)

Faster, faster
Won't You make this better (whoa)
Forgot the feeling screaming for You (whoa)
I can't believe the choices we make
Creates everything that we now hate
Faster, Faster won't You make this better (whoa)

A day of new Beginnings...

*Some of my old Stuff...*
A day of new beginnings
A day to learn from Scratch
Today was a day to remember
And this day I'd never give back

When it started
Such a frenzy
A crazy blur of fun.
And then when there was quiet time
My mind would still run.

And then I heard the scary news
That one so close would soon be lost
How to handle such an occasion
When my mind just wants to bolt

I buckled down my fear
And tied up my heart
But as the situation appeared
My Eyes began to weep
And the locks on my heart would break
For as I see her lying there
I realize that It could be anyone
This one so close to me in spirit
Would soon be far away from my body.

Oh how the day can change in such a rapid time.
For one moment I was somber
The next I saw the light.
For as we enjoyed this precious gift,
that many would call Life
We often take for granted
The choices that we make this day,
Affect our ever after.

The time with loved ones that we share
Should never be for granted.
For in those moments of looking in the eye
You breathe in an instant
a piece of their life
A portion of their soul.

What was this day but a day to experience.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

The Missing

*Some old Stuff...*
I lay awake
Pondering the hours
HOw long must I wait
Stuck in this trance
Reaching for you
But finding only space
Where are you?
Where have you gone
Maybe its not you've who's gone
Maybe it's me
I toss and turn
In a terror-stricken sleep
Waiting to breathe
Waiting to flee
But you whisper softly in my ear
Sweet words of courage
And great words of strength
In this way, I know you are near.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

No One Except You

*some old stuff...*

On the Outside a beacon,

The Inside a crumbling Tower.
Despair haunts me,
Sneaking to tear down my defenses.
No one Knows
No one Cares
No one listens
No one, except you Lord
But at times, it is not enough.
I need to Belong,
Even though, I am found in you
I need to be Comforted,
When even that is found fully in you.
I need the warm Embrace of a friend,
When I know You never stop embracing my heart.
No one Knows
No one Cares
No one listens
No one, except you Lord
Am I Insignificant or Invisible?
Either way, I am forgotten.
The room of my soul cries out in despair,
For someone, anyone to look and see worth.
No one Knows
No one Cares
No one listens
No one, except you Lord
But what am I to do?
I have Needs and desires for this life.
Yet, I know I cannot find true life until it is first given away.
To No One except You.
So I'll go on living in a haze
Because to step out into the light would bring more despair than healing.
But in the bottom of my heart I know,
There's life found in
NO ONE EXCEPT YOU.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Someday...

*Some old Stuff...*
A blank stare for the tragic life. She'd received them before but never had they hurt so bad. She finally let someone in , and in the breath of a moment they were gone. Taken from her by choice. She wasn't loveable. She wasn't worthy. She was a waste
They gave her looks of sympathy but they never know how much more it kills her to be the object of such stares. She cries in the dark to keep a strieght face in the light. When will they know her? Will they ever understand her pain. No, they can't. For they are not her, and there is no way for anyone to understand. Let them stare, she cries. She'll take it like everything else. One day it will make her stronger, though today is not that day.
When looking back she wonders if she ever saw it coming. Of course she didn't, she lies to herself. He was just weird and like that. But deep down she knows she did. She saw his eyes wander and his mouth fumble when he said her name. But she ignored it.
"He's busy and got too much on his mind for me to hold him accountable for such innocent mistakes" she lies. But to her it's truth. Or it was. Now it seems like a dream, a nightmare. Would she ever love again? Would life ever choose her to be happy again?
She waits and prays for the future to come. And believes that though they stare, she will be stronger.
Someday…
Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Gracie's Stairwell

*Some old stuff...*
A twisty stairwell began her decent into the depths. She's never been so low and far before as she was now. She could still here the laughter of the party above, but the voice in the darkness below called to her. It beckoned her on, pass some boundaries not crossed in years, some not ever. Grace never knew what called her to this time and this stairwell but she felt she must go on. The voice egged her on. Feeding her nonsense and ritual until she could think no longer. She was numb.
A sudden change occurred within' her. She remembered a time of peace and joy, serenity and comfort. Why would this time be brought to her now? Now, of all times, when she was most in the dark.. The one time of truth choose to captivate her and hold her hostage. She fought it.
She didn't want to be there. She didn't want to be happy. She desired to be void. And the voice in the darkness promised her this. Tired and devoid of hope she continued down the stairs. Yet part of her still contemplated that time of innocent peace. Why had she been so happy. There had been no real reason for her to be. But she was.
Her mind began to fight her body. Her Arms clammed with the effort of fighting and her knees shook with new found knowledge. She could rise again. She tried to turn to no avail. She was too far gone.
When Grace's hope was almost spent, she sent up a request. She had never been a true believer, though she had been known to be pious. She prayed for her memory to not die within these hallow halls, but for a new life to be born because of her sacrifice. To let her life be a reminder to all those, to keep close to their hearts the happy times and to not let the darkness take anything from those times.
She closed her eyes and waited for the touch of the voice. But it never came. She almost hoped it would, for though she wished on happy times she would rather die with this one memory then live with a fistful of any other. But it never did.
As she awoke, she knew that someone had given her a second chance. Her family and friends gathered to see Grace Harbor, patient number 145, emerge from her 2 yr coma, after a life-shattering car accident. She'd been given a second chance. And the Light one of her prayer would not be forgotten.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

its been a boring beginning of a year.

its been a boring beginning of a year.
i have been at home and my sisters house reading and not really doing much. my break of "intellectual" reading failed and i am now reading Brisinger b/c i never finished the series. everything is making me cry. i dont know why. maybe i just have let out any real emotions for a while. my house isnt as bad as i make it but at times its testing. i have decided to read through the old testament this year.
i am reading a book about being a good woman. i don't know. i have issues with that. don't we all. this is my year resolution. I want to see myself as God sees me. and to be confident in my own skin. I know that there is so much more that God wants me to experience his love for me, the truly unique expression of himself that i am. it going to be hard. i need to make sure i journal more. i need to take the time to solidly get the thoughts out of my head and concrete... yep yep
i am also confused about boys. i don't ... yeah. i need to make sure that i am not pursuing them to gain identity. i need to make sure that my ideals and ideas are accurate representations not only of who boys/people/i are/am but of who they are changing into and who they are meant to become. this is confusing to say the least. i dont see myself with a boyfriend anytime soon but.... i need to at least try to figure this crazy thing out... yep yep