blah

wow. two major shifts in one day.
first off i have decided i am not going back to the Philippines in the summer. i really want to ... like REALLY. i just dont see it happening. and not in a "god cant provide" kind of way but more in a fiscally and relationally irresponsible way. I would do an internship for a month there and then come back here and join with another ministry with preestablished relationships and projects in process? i don't think that would be responsible which sucks. i really wanted to.
the other major shift would be one of personal. Someone very close to me has decided to remove their pledge of purity. they had sex over summer and didnt want to any more. God had given me a purity ring and i felt him calling me to give it to them. i did, and they were joyed to have it. I recently was just given the purity ring back. their reason "they wanted to have sex" so they did. first i am confused. i thought they didn't want to . second, i am disappointed and sad because i am aware of the future of the path they are going down and its only destructive. this makes me want to shake them. and the only response they can give me is that " they don't want to talk about it, its personal" i understand that. but they wont even say that they are having sex. i just feel that's shameful and a denial of the guilt you feel inside. if you are going to pursue a destructive path at least own up to it. say 'yes, i am having sex'. simple right? and Thirdly, i am pissed. I am pissed at the events in their past that have lead to this. i am pissed at the hold that relationships and the needs for approval that they require from the opposite sex. i am pissed that the devil is having a hold on their life,m which is going to wreck their future; their amazing, world-changing future. so i am confused, disappointed, saddened, and pissed.

My Dream

I want to see lives be given hope, to see fire return to the eyes of those who have been labels as worthless and neglected, to see those who the world says are “wastes of oxygen” rise up and claim the birthright of heaven. I want to see cycles of poverty broken, and hearts mended. To see lives, relationship, and health restored, and made perfect. I want to see God glorified by the cries of the “insignificant, impoverished, inconsequential, inconsiderable, and irrelevant”, or so society labels them.
I want to see a generation take a stand for the ultimate truth that is God-creator and Jesus Christ as lord and savior. To see people step out in unselfish love and offer forgiveness when it is not deserved or earned. To see men and women kneeling at the foot of the cross, offering up their all and all, living lives of sacrifice and joy.
On a more specific and personal scale, I want to see that the people that God has placed in my life rise up to be the amazing, gifted, impactful, blessed, and unique men and woman that I know God has destined them to be. I want to see that God used me to make an impact on at least one person’s life, whether it is big or small. I want to know that I accomplished what God wanted. I know there are so many opportunities that I have missed and I want to know that there is a purpose for my life.
My dream would be to work in an impoverished country helping people, mainly women and children, to break the bonds of poverty and oppression. To be able to grasp the freeness that comes when a God is in control, and to be able to help them to see that God is good, and God is love, and that they are precious.

I am changing

I am changing.
it is scary.
it is amazing.
it is painful.
it is full of ranting.
it is full of laughter.
it is full of late nights with great friends.
it is marked by joy.
it is marked by reflection.
it is marked by being broken.
I am changing.

And i don't know if i can handle what i am changing into.
i would rather stay in my awkward bubble,
then voyage into the unknown that is my destiny.

I am changing.

ouch.

God mold me.
God call me.
God rejoice in me.

I am changing... i am changing for you.