So there's this boy...

yeah. that's how this post should start.
and from this first line i could go on rambling like a drunken fool about:
all the cute moments,
all the banter,
and all the elbow-cuddling... but i wont.

Instead i would like to share what this boy has done, unintentionally of course.

I have dated before. I know weird. it was only once and it ended badly.
I thought forever. He waited until his ex was available again.
Then he married her and now they have a kid.
I became very bitter. I mean very bitter.
I didn't know how God could allow me to make the choice to date him.
I look back and i KNEW God didn't want me to. He told me. actually told me "no".
But I ignored God, and that, is how the biggest mistakes/growing moments begin.

Where was i? oh yeah. Bitter. Really Bitter.
It was so weird. I had just been on a Everest with God,
and now i felt abandoned in the Dead Sea.
Sooo... i kinda hated men. there i said it.
I was told by close friends that when it came to men i had a huge "F*ck off" sign,
located right square in my forehead. with neon lights. and big arrows.

Since then i have had crushes. little ones. 3rd grader-type crushes.
the ones where you have the gooey feeling but never seriously entertain any ideas.
until recently.

This one is different. it FEELS different.
What i mean is that i have a peace, which is weird.

But thats not the point of this blog. if you want those details talk to me in person.
The point is... Jesus. isn't it always?

I hadn't realized until i started seriously considering actually dating this guy,
that i had quite a bit of baggage.
Not baggage of unforgiveness or anything like that,
But baggage of low self-esteem, and whether or not i was "Ready" or still too crazy.
So for once, i took it to God.

Side note of importance: I don't process things internally, so its really hard for me to take my issues to God because he's 'internal', you know? so basically i was "emo" for a few days just silently meditating on me. which is again, weird.

So i took a lot of quiet time, and journaling.
and Quiet time, and journaling.
and i realized the issue i was really dealing with wasn't if i should date.
it was ... [drum roll] if i was worthy to be dated.
Like, what is so special about me that anyone would want to get romantic.
I had never really looked at myself in that way, and i doubted if anyone could.

so one day, i had a break through; both internally and externally.
Internally: I just randomly started listing positive things about myself.
Like qualities in my that are awesome and amazing and unique.
I wasn't being prideful, i was accurately assessing myself.
It was really good, and i figured out i DO have a lot to offer.
Externally: I got 'Yelled' at by my little sister.
She just called me out, and spoke so hard truth, and encouragement.
She said that basically "its about time" haha. "We've been waiting".
And just encouraged me in my growth over the past few years and
How amazing i am/still becoming and that i need to lose the fear,
And take a chance...

Don't you despise it when wisdom comes from a really random place?

So i basically have decided that:
1. Jesus Loves me. actually loves me.
2. I do have something to offer someone. I am not "broken beyond usefulness"
3. I have grown SOOO much and i need to take that into account in my decisions.
4. I need to not be afraid of rejection. I have grown so much just in the last few
months and nothing can change that. Even if its not this guy, i need to be open
to the possibility of boys. and not hate them :)

SO there. no sappy stories, no late-night Simpson walks,
Just Jesus.
And the change He is making in me.

Oh Happy Day. Jesus washed my imperfections away.
Oh Happy Day. I'll Never be the same.